This particular adventure did not include me. While I no doubt would have enjoyed having my life threatened by the combined power of Gwen's navigating, Henri's driving, and Thirteen's magic, I do feel reservations that Canada would have enjoyed such. Consequently, this somewhat-fragmentary account comes courtesy of Gwen, with photos by her (if I can find them.)

*****

Canada, part 3

- as narrated by Gwen.

"It's not a trip unless somebody gets hurt."
- Henri Leibowitz

*All names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.*

"You had the liquid breakfast. And from the sounds of it, you had the lunch and the dinner too."
- Thirteen

It all started as a simple plan. Three friends would meet, take the car up to Canada for a little trip to visit Stanley park and the other attractions that Vancouver had to offer.

I suppose the first thing that should have indicated things were not going to go as planned would be the phone call I got in the evening when my nefarious coworkers, Thirteen and Henri, were supposed to come over and spend the night so we could depart.

"Uhhhhh... Gwen?"

"Henri? Where are you?" I could barely hear the self-proclaimed friend over the sounds of some other male in the background singing loudly what sounded like my name. Over and over. Finally, it emerged that Henri was too drunk to walk and could not meet at my house.

Next morning, I call for the pure malicious pleasure of awakening the Hangover King. Instead, a bright chirpy voice answers.

"I'm awake! And my teeth are clean!"

(An early attempt on Gwen and Thirteen's lives)

"I'm gonna have to drag race this bus."
- Henri
"Looks like the bus won."
- Gwen

Much later, we started out from Everett towards Canada.

The drive started rather uneventfully, with everyone crammed into the car with stacks of CDs, various snacks and windows rolled down blasting Johnny Cash. Things livened up a little when I found a CD mysteriously titled only "Las Vegas". After popping it into the player, the group quickly discovered a strange affinity for lounge music and just as quickly rediscovered the joys of Henri's singing voice.

One of the songs on the CD was "King of the Road" by Dean Martin. I mention this because it comes in later and also because it quickly became the anthem for the trip. One of the weirdest things about the CD was that it had a song on it for each member of the party - Elvis' "Viva Las Vegas" for Thirteen, peggy Lee's "Fever" for Gwen and "Leaving Las Vegas" by Sheryl Crow, which is Henri's personal theme song.

The trip over was mostly uneventful, other than the usual chatter:

(about the song "King of the Road")

"That will be the highlight of our trip."
- Thirteen
"I dunno- I was kinda looking forward to turning our shirts inside out."
- Henri

"Sometimes I can drive and eat at the same time."
- Henri
"Hopefully, this is one of those times."
- Gwen

(Another attempt on Gwen & Thirteen's lives)

"To your left, you'll see a river. And if you'd like a closer look-"
- Henri

(About playing with fireflies growing up)

"I conducted experiments on them to see if they'll glow when they're squished. They do."
-Thirteen

And then we hit the border.

All of us singing loud Tom Jones music - we should have known better. But I suppose the real kicker was allowing Henri to open his mouth. Upon crossing, we were immediately confronted by a stern member of the Border patrol.

She asked our names, where we were going and how much money we had with us. Henri and I both answered "Two hundred dollars". Thirteen announced "Thirty-five cents.".

She glared down at us and said, "So. You. Have. Four hundred dollars and thirty-five cents."

"Yup."

Go directly to Customs. Do not pass Go.

"Somebody whip the horses 'cause I'm feelin' naughty."
- Henri

There are things one likes to know before one's car is being searched by border guards. Among those things is definitely knowing that one of your companions, who moonlights as a magician, carries things on his person that look exactly like crack pipes. And also that they left said props in the car inside their jacket.

This was what I discovered upon asking why Thirteen looked so green - "We don't have anything to hide, do we?" Ê

After twenty minutes of simultaneous hyperventilation, we were told that we were free to go and hit Immigration. Although other people might have wondered as to the origin of the odd looks we were receiving, we were simply grateful to be released. So we hit Immigration.

Henri and I had imprinted state IDs and social security cards. All of Thirteen's documents, however, were paper copies. We walked up to the man at the counter, presented our documents and were then asked how we knew one another.

"Oh, we work together." (Likely story, looking at the lot of us.)

"Where at?"

"Kinko's."

"Eh, so you can copy ID's and stuff there?"

"Yeah- uh, no, I mean no, that's, er- illegal."

But we made it out. As the guys went to the bathroom together, I decided to retrieve the camera so I could take a picture of them at the Immigration sign to prove that we had gotten that far. Then I saw the inside of the car.

It was thrashed. pages from my journal were tossed everywhere, food was smashed, CDs scattered... but in the midst of all this chaos, they had folded Thirteen's jacket perfectly, placed all the magical paraphrenalia on top and left it as if they were afraid to touch it. Which they probably were.

"What'd you think of this? We could use your camera and make a really classy black and white, glossy coffee-table book of... roadkill."
- Thirteen

Then it was back on the road. After the initial alerting the driver to the fact that Americans and Canadians drive on the same side of the road and that kph was not the same as mph, things seemed to be going well. So well, in fact, that we completely missed Surrey and the money exchange. But did we care?

We had cornfields.

Sunshine beating on our arms, we started talking about Thirteen's lifelong dream to see a skunk after we passed many places where a skunk had obviously passed through. This somehow degenerated into various conversations, such as sex and how Thirteen could obtain himself some "Canadian fly".

"Those Canadians- they're everywhere like rats- I thought we exterminated them years ago."
- Thirteen

By the time this had all been finished, it was about 3 pm. It being a Saturday, the group shortly realized that we had better find a way to get some Canadian cash before the banks closed. At this point, we began to cruise White Rock and Ladner, thinking that there was no way we would reach Vancouver in time.

While this was a correct assumption, after visiting every bank in the two cities, we soon realized that there was going to be no love here nor in Vancouver. This was coupled with the fact that I, acting as navigator, had managed to take the group in a complete circle. Consolation? We were close to Surrey again.

A brief discussion, however, brought us all to the conclusion that we should stay clear of the border in case they recognized us. The incident of having the car searched had brought us all to a point of collective paranoia.

But we had no cash. Finally, we frantically assaulted a clerk in a grocery store, explaining that we were foreigners and needed to exchange our money. Her solution? To point us to the money mart directly in front of us.

(As we pass the store Save-on-Meats)

"We found your Canadian prostitutes, Henri."
- Thirteen

perhaps the most notable thing about the trip at this point was the strange names of the places we passed by, such as the offices of Dr. Bonbon Hu. Once we got money, we began to attempt a futile planning of the trip.

pretty much the only thing the group actually figured out at this point was that the exchange rate would work in Henri's favor if he was to pick up a Canadian prostitute, it being at about 1.47. This may have had a subconscious factor on why, after the group arrived in Vancouver, Henri could drive nowhere but the Red Light district.

The first place Henri was determined to hit was the scariest place on Earth- Metrotown mall. I have since wondered if it was because he figured he could hide our bodies there. At any rate, we could not find the mall.

It was quickly figured that Vancouver was a mass of hydroponic shops, hemp stores, porn shops and one-hour motels. Because that's all that Henri drove us around. This may have been because at this point, I was holding the map upside down and kept turning it in circles in a desperate attempt to find out where north was, it being my impression that Canada WAS north.

We decided to pull over in what looked like a harmless part of the city, there being only a few blue video stores. plus, it was near a torn-down KFC that had "Kentucky Fried Bitches" spraypainted on the side. Sort of homey, really.

And then we saw it. Bubble tea.

To understand what was going on in our minds, one has to understand that Thirteen and myself spent a night once wandering the U-District, looking at all the bubble tea shops that had flooded the neighborhood and wondering what magical properties said substance had to inspire such mania. And here, in the middle of Vancouver, was an opportunity to find out. plus, they had a popeye video game.

Bubble tea is not, as you might suppose, carbonated tea. Or tea with little delicate, frothy bubbles. Oh, no. Bubble tea is milky stuff with gooey sticky black bubbles that are the size of a fingernail. And they of course give you these tremendous straws so that you can't help but snort up a whole bubble when you try to drink it. But we were brave.

We were adventurers.

We all crapped bubbles for days.

It only took about five minutes upon leaving the bubbleteria to decide that we couldn't drink any more of the alien substance. So we did the mature thing and leaned against a fence, seeing who could spit their bubbles the furthest across an empty lot. The straws made excellent propellers.

"I don't know why they charge so different for those Canadian hotels- I had to pay for eight hours instead of a night."
- Gwen

At this point, it was growing late and the debate over where to sleep began. The group didn't have a ton of money and the money we did have we didn't really want to sink into a hotel room, it being our original intent to camp out.

The backup plan we developed was to rent a room in a sleazy little hotel in the same area that Henri seemed intent on driving us around over and over. The only problem with this was that we figured the car would get stripped the minute we walked away from it. Ê

So we continued driving around.

"I'm not leaving this city 'till I know where I'm going."
- Henri

It was a Saturday night and all the little Vancouver fratboys seemed to be running around, several of them in bicycle taxis. An opportunity too good to be missed.

Henri pulls up to a stoplight, sees that there's one right next to us, rolls down the window, leans over me and says, most suavely, "pardon me, but do you have any grey poupon?". Just then the light changed. Which was probably a good thing because the guys in the bicycle taxi looked like they were going to kill us.

Not being afraid made us hungry so we pulled over and looked for somewhere to eat. ÊWe ended up in a sushi bar. Don't ask me why.

This is where Thirteen was asked to perform his first trick for the evening. part of the deal under which he had been asked to accompany Henri and I to Canada was that he would perform tricks for food, Thirteen being a MAGICIAN and all. I can't remember which trick in particular was performed on this occasion- perhaps it was the sake we all drank at Henri's command. Which was pretty impressive, being that Thirteen and I don't drink.

But little did we know he was liquoring us up so we could ignore his sinister deed.

We went out onto a street corner where Thirteen proceeded to light cards on fire. I seem to recall them levitating at the same time, but I have a feeling this comes from some elaborate mindgame he was playing on me at the moment. Then Henri starts laughing. For those of you who've never heard his laugh, it sounds quite a lot like the Joker from Batman.

We look at him curiously.

Apparently since we didn't take him to a bar so he could indulge his klepto-shotglass habit, he's done the next best thing. He holds out the cup from the sake restaurant. Time to go.

Thirteen: That was kind of a nice restaurant.
Gwen: Nice dishes. (pause) And y'know, I decided against taking the chopsticks.