In so far as we here at Steppinrazor3.com have traditions (or at least ones that are appropriate for print; getting drunk is not a tradition - it just happens a lot), the best one would probably be the New Year's Rant. Although I realize that New Year's was almost two weeks ago, I was, undoubtedly, doing something much more interesting for the holiday, like maintaining my sanity in the face of overwhelming pressure not to do so.

But I digress. Getting back to the point at hand, it's time for another New Year's Rant. This year, I'd like to discuss my resolutions, since nothing I said last year has changed anyway and I feel the need to write a new rant, rather than reposting an old one. I realize that such a one as perfect as I need not make resolutions such as those made by the lumpen proletariat, but nonetheless, there are things I could stand to improve. Since the same things are true of us all (who makes a really unusual resolution? Jeffrey Dahmer?), let's all make the same resolutions!

1. I Will Exhibit Responsibility With Money. I am in a financial situation where I'm going to have to budget carefully until the end of the year. I'd also like to see my duly-elected-but-not-representative government do the same. This means, of course, no stupid tax cuts. (Hi, this is your new budget calling; you have to pay for me somehow...) It also means that the American voting public should quit voting on their wallets and their fears and vote for a real leader - someone who is actually competent to get a job in the private sector. Bush is afraid of losing his job - not even afraid of the mean, evil dictator who tried to kill his daddy, whatever he says - but of losing his job. Consequently, to keep it (and this is feeling much like things I said last year and the year before) he is going to give us all a fuckload of money, or at least take less in taxes, and kill brown people that we have no interest in exploiting anyway.

I'll stick to my budget and not kill GW if he'll stick to some budget that exists in the same dimension as Earth and doesn't kill people either.

2. A Work Ethic Is Crucial. Somehow, being in England has sucked my work ethic down to the level exhibited by your normal Topshop employee - slightly less than that of a lemur. I must get back to work on my dissertation. In exchange for this, I don't want anything like as nice as peace in the Middle East. I'd rather just have a simple recognition that the Palestinians and Israelis are both keeping the fight going for their own reasons, which have little to do with anything stated by either side. I'd also (as an added bonus) like the Israelis to recognize that they live in a dream world with regards to the effectiveness of Palestinian bombs and consequently are going to, as the party of greater strength, have to put down their weapons first. Notice I didn't ask them to be put down; the fight can continue, but let's put it on realistic terms.

If they'll do that, I'll quit pretending that I'll work on my dissertation "tomorrow" and work on it today. If the Israeli bonus happens, I'll quit pretending that "other people" are preventing me from doing my work.

3. I Refuse to Give You Therapy. I've gotten tired of people assuming that, because I'm a bartender, I get great satisfaction out of listening to their problems. This one is "Friends Only", folks. If I don't spend time with you outside of the bar, you're not my friend. You can talk, but I won't listen...and if I've got gaffer tape handy, you won't talk, either. The corollary to this is that I'm not going to give my friends advice just so they can ignore me. If you want my advice, you'd better be planning on taking it into very serious consideration at least, rather than junking it straight away. In exchange, I want Tim Eyman and his horde of brainless zombies to shut the fuck up. You're not improving anyone's lives, you fuckwits - you're making them worse. If you want nice things, you pay for them. If you want cars, you pay for them. Your way - where you don't pay for them - is not, normally, considered an option. It is, instead, normally considered to be theft, and you're stealing from the very state that you expect to fund your desires, evidently using Lucky Charms as money. I hope the Washington judicial system throws out every single initiative you idiots try to pass.

I'll shut up if you do.

4. Join The OHS and See The World. First of all, no one is going to stop me from going home. Oh no. Secondly, I promise to keep my travel documents in order this time (you would not believe what a nightmare 2002 was, from a passport standpoint) if the government will stay the fuck out of them. I realize that America is no longer a free country, but somewhere in the rose-tinted territory of my mind, I remember when it didn't used to matter where Americans went, or, in a number of cases, who came to America. And as if terrorists have passports indicating that they are terrorists? I think I see what the goal is here, but it makes no sense at all. Were records not being kept before? We didn't know who was here at any given time, from countries that we were concerned about?

This one is actually two-pronged, since I know - better than the government, evidently, that this measure is fatally flawed. It is, in fact, in the midst of a coronary - before it's even in place. Keeping a record of everyone who enters and leaves America verges past paranoia into outright silliness. And this new system will be flaw-free? What about illegal aliens? What about terrorists who fly into Canada and take a ferry to the US, since that won't be monitored? Trains?

I'm going where I want, and you're not going to worry about it, particularly in a way that puts America on equal footing with Communist Russia. I am not a terrorist, nor do I care who is - let them all in so that they, too, can be elected to Congress.

5. I Will Support The Economy. However, in order to keep my first resolution, I'm going to have to do this in a fairly limited fashion, so, in addition to buying food, I'll buy the occasional CD or book. In return, I'd like Americans to read their Constitution and their Voltaire - the Constitution so that we're all aware that we have the right to free speech and the Voltaire so that we're all aware we don't have to agree with what everyone else says. For fuck's sake - if you've got a problem with foul language in your kid's CDs, maybe you should set rules for your kid, and not for the whole country. Additionally, let's quit giving retailers like Wal-Mart and Target free advertising - every time they refuse to carry the "explicit" version of an album, it's free publicity for the artist and for the store that has refused to carry them. And why has this "morality" not been extended to books? (ie, why does Target carry Stephen King?) Because nobody reads actual books anymore. They wait for the TV movie-of-the-week.

This one's a win-win situation, folks - I buy CDs and books in direct support of my Constitution, and you let me exercise my rights with regards to myself as I let you exercise yours with regards to yourself, and Wal-Mart and Target lose out.

6. I Will Not Support The Pharmaceutical Industry. Why would I buy into the belief, echoed by millions of idiots who believe anything an actor on TV with a bunch of fancy pieces of paper on the wall says, that my normal personality is not acceptable and I should be on some sort of drug to regulate it? I could be on Prozac for my depressive tendencies; Wellbutrin for my manic tendencies; Lithium to get both at the same time; Ritalin for my ADD; the list goes on. However, I am an individual, with the characteristics that mark me as such rather than as a clone of "my fellow Americans".

I need my money; starving artists need my money. The pharmaceuticals industry does not. Let's all take a week off of our stupid pill habit (unless, of course, you need your pills to stay alive/keep other people alive). But for everyone else, why not try your normal personality? You might like it!

7. Censorship Is Wrong. This resolution is all for me. I resolve to turn the internal censor down about five notches. Anyone who was irritated by Steppinrazor3.com before will be really irritated by it now! And the same will go for my "face-mail" interactions! I am who I am, I think what I think, and if you don't like it, I don't care. Honestly. I can't be arsed.

As I reread this list, I find myself moved by what I've asked for. I also am forced to recognize that in all cases I am the party of greater strength, as I am the one who has morals. So I'll meet my resolutions first, and everyone else should follow along - but don't wait too long, or it'll be 2004 and I won't be nice for that rant.

I've got a whole tube of wonderful and you don't*,

Channon

*whatever the fuck that means.