This week I actually had intentions to go into one of the topics I mentioned last week. I was thinking of taking aim at theology and modern society, but since I did my college thesis on that topic and I am not going to upload 17,000 words (I checked.) that topic can wait.

Then life intervened as usual.

I want to apologize here and now for something I told a friend of mine. It's probably somewhat pointless to say it here, since he will likely never see it, but I've said similar things to lots of people, and maybe one of them will see it.

A while back I was going through an amazingly depressed phase - no job, no unemployment, no fallback position, downcycle of bipolar disorder, some other BS - it kind of all hit me at once. I wanted something that I could achieve so that I could have some small smidgen of self-esteem. Anyway, I called my friend and left a message something along the lines of "Let's get together and do this thing; otherwise I'll probably kill myself."

Joke.

Completely and totally.

I have never seriously considered suicide in my life. I don't know why not, since most bipolars I know have. I probably just have a personality where I'd rather kill everyone else or something.

Anyway. My friend - who did not know me well enough for me to be making such jokes to - asked me later - after he got the message - with tones of concern and everything, if that was a serious statement. I laughed it off, saying something along the lines of "Yeah, right, never, not in a million years, I say that all the time."

But, see, I had apparently just placed sole responsibility for my life into the hands of a person who didn't check his voicemail for a while. If I'd been serious, I probably would've been dead. If I'd been serious, that would've been (excuse me while I state the obvious) a horrible thing to do.

So I apologize, to him and to everyone I've said that to.

'Cause we just had a suicide come in here at work. For those who don't know, I work in a funeral home. This is, as far as I know, the first suicide we've had since I started here.

The guy was seventeen. He got upset about something at school and killed himself.

When he first came in, I thought something else had happened. I was actually getting caught up in the whole "young life snuffed out" thing.

When I found out what actually happened, that ended my emotional involvement in the case. I refuse to get caught up in the emotionally-masturbatory actions of others. Guilt is one. Suicide is another.

I don't know why, but I cannot get all involved with people who suicide for silly reasons. Terminal cancer? No problem. I'll help you. For relief of physical pain? Same.

Because you cannot cope with stress? Forget it. Life is stress. I realize that this is social Darwinism in action, but this kid has no idea what he did to his family and his friends. And if he does know, I hope he burns in hell.

These people are asking themselves why he chose to do this.

There ain't no reason.

I'm not totally sure where I'm going here. I used to say that people should have the right to do anything they wanted to as long it was with consenting people capable of mature decisions and caused no physical harm to anyone other than themselves. Under that ethical guideline, I used to say that people should be able to kill themselves if they wanted, that the world would be better off without them anyway if they were so incapable of coping.

But I've revised that belief. I think - and I'd love to hear rational argument here, no Christian Coalition or Hemlock Society propaganda here unless you can back it up - I think that people should only be allowed to cause emotional pain if they can apologize and atone for it.

It's hard to do that when dead.

I think that suicide, unless it is a rational decision motivated by factors like terminal illness and fully discussed with at least one other person of the sick person's choosing, is not acceptable.

It is a copout, it is a way of ending your involvement in life that conveniently rips every single person you know wide open.

I think that you should be able to explain your actions, and the reasons behind youth suicide that I've personally heard have sucked. They have been unmitigated bullshit.

So what I'm getting at here is a couple things.

The first is that I will never kill myself. That's a promise. I've gotten through tough times before - without the help of medication or people - and I'll get through them again. This ain't boasting. It's just a fact that life is not peachy and I'm still standing. I do not want to hurt those that I love that much.

The next is that I hope I've given you something to think about. It's been years since I've been around the Social Contract, and I've never read it all the way through, but I think that part of the Social Contract should be that people will not harm themselves in ways that they will not explain. And as I mentioned above, you can't explain to anyone's satisfaction if you're dead.

And again, I invite discussion. Since probably three people will read this at the time of posting, go ahead and email me whenever you read this.

Mention this rant and get 10% off,

Channon